Get What You Want Out of Life, Ladies!

What is it about the way that girls are raised that makes it so difficult for them to be assertive, even as grown women? Time after time the same struggles come up for my clients, whether it be regarding a romantic relationship, friendships, work issues, family, or anything else that they seem to come across in life. Girls are often taught to make others happy, "be nice", and avoid starting trouble. In addition, any feelings of insecurity, fears of being rejected or abandoned, and self-doubt intensify feelings of wanting to avoid conflict and keep the peace, so to speak. Although keeping things peaceful and avoiding arguments can be a good idea, when it is taken to the extreme, it can result in women being left without their needs met and feelings of resentment and powerlessness.

In talking about assertiveness, I think it's important to clarify what I mean. We're not talking about yelling at others or speaking up regardless of who may get hurt or be effected-that would be considered aggressiveness. When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in such a way that you are clearly communicating what you want, need, or even don't want, by utilizing honest, straight-forward, and informative words. Using what is called "I" messages can help to communicate your needs in this way. For example, "I feel hurt when you start playing with your phone while I'm trying to tell you something important. I would appreciate if you can look at me when I'm speaking to you and let me know that you hear me." When you express yourself in this way, you are avoiding putting the other person on the defensive, and you're empowering yourself by expressing your feelings and what you would like to see change. People often utilize passive-aggressive communication when they get frustrated, such as saying something like "All you care about is that phone." Saying something like this is not productive and most likely will not motivate the other person to want to change. In summary, if you want someone to listen and understand you, get rid of that elephant in the room by being direct.

• Avoid putting others on the defensive and don't attack verbally with yelling, cursing, insults, or passive aggressive comments. Don't dig up the past and talk about something they did 10 years ago.
• Express your feelings about the situation at hand 
• Explain what you would like to see change
• Be respectful and speak with confidence. 

If you find it difficult to assert yourself when it's needed, you might want to consider speaking to someone, such as a professional or emotionally intelligent trustworthy friend or family member, in order to better understand why it is difficult for you to ask for what you want and need. Low self-esteem or experiences of lacking validation in your past may contribute to feeling that you don't deserve great things in life. Everyone deserves to be happy and have their needs met, sometimes it's just a matter of asking...

Standing Alone

Have you ever been through some sort of situation or dealt with something in your life that made you feel totally alone? You may have felt like it was wrong to get upset about whatever was bothering you, or you may have felt that you were the only one who has ever experienced this?

With 10 years of experience under my belt in the field of Counseling I can say with certainty that most people seem to think that they are the only ones that are going through whatever it is that they're dealing with. They (meaning most people) feel they are the "weird" ones and that there is something wrong with them for feeling the way that they feel. So many people think that they "shouldn't" be upset, that they have no right to cry, that what they're going through is either no big deal, or it is the end of the world. It's great when my clients seem to really feel comforted when I tell them that they are "normal" and that what they're feeling is valid, but do they really need me to tell them that? Why is it that we all need our feelings to be validated by someone else in order to feel okay? It has amazed me how this is consistent across the board---I'm talking about elementary, middle, and high school kids all the way up to middle-aged men and women. It's a shame that so many of us seem to believe that our feelings are not valid or that we are "crazy" for having problems or feeling anxious or depressed, but I think it's important for people to know that it's okay. You're not alone, as much as you may feel that you are. There is someone out there who has already experienced what you are experiencing, and someone has already found a solution (in most cases) to what you are dealing with. So hang in there, believe in yourself and your feelings, and find support, because it is always out there, whether in the form of a family member, friend, support group, organization, therapist, religious leader, etc.  The lesson here: you're just a human being like the rest of us, so stop being so hard on yourself. Accept that you have feelings, will go through challenges, and may need support like the rest of us. Don't allow yourself to feel as alone as a giant pink flamingo among a bunch of little ducks. Take care of yourself by getting the support and help that you need to get through the challenges that you face, whether they seem humongous or teeny tiny and insignificant.

Is It Me or Is It Them? Internal vs. External Locus of Control

As John F. Kennedy proclaimed many years ago, "...Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country..." Are you a DOER or a VICTIM?

It is easy to fall into the pattern of thinking where you feel like everything bad happens to you, or that you have no control over your life. Ever said to yourself, "Why me?" Sure--we all have! If you are always stuck in this way of thinking, it can lead to feelings of helplessness, anxiety, even depression. Some people look to outside sources, such as a higher power, to lead their lives and make decisions for them. Not to say that believing in a higher power and surrendering some of the control of your fate is bad, but often people get stuck in a "victim mentality" and tend to put the blame on other people, events, circumstances, etc. For some more information about victim mentality, please check out http://www.more-selfesteem.com/victim_mentality.htm

You could say that they have an External locus of control, as the control in their life is perceived as being outside of themselves. On the other hand, some people feel that they determine their own destiny, make their own decisions, and feel in control of their fate. If they take responsibility for what happens to them and take action proactively to reach goals and achieve their dreams, that would be considered an Internal locus of control. For further information about the definitions of both types of loci of control, check out http://wilderdom.com/psychology/loc/LocusofControlWhatIs.html .

It would be extremely rare to find a person who does not exhibit both ways of thinking at some point or another, but if your thinking is mainly that of an external locus of control, you could come across some problems. I would definitely be lying if I told you that I have never had an external locus of control, and have always taken responsibility for what has happened to me. To come to the realization that I have done this, and sometimes still catch myself doing it, is very empowering and helpful. Wait a second, so I DON'T have to sit on the coach with a box of chocolates feeling sorry for myself all the time? I can actually get up and make things happen? I can fix what is not right in order to make myself happy? Oooooooooh!!!! (Sorry for the sarcasm, but sometimes these sort of lightbulbs going off in our mind are what it takes to put us into action and feeling in control).

So now what? Maybe you have finally put two and two together and realized that you can relate to what I'm saying and you actually have been feeling sorry for yourself. You are probably meeting a need for yourself, such as receiving attention that may come from complaining and being down about life, but in the end it is not getting you what you want, which is probably happiness. We all want to be happy but sometimes we just have no idea how to get there. It seems like walls are constantly going up around us and every possible lead comes up to a dead end. Well try some of these tips to get yourself out of the rut that makes you feel that you have no control over your life or reaching your goals:

• Take care of your basic needs first: eat healthy, get exercise, sleep a sufficient amount, stay connected with friends and family, do things that you enjoy.
• Figure out what has helped you in the past and what has worked for you. Have you achieved a goal or felt good about communicating your needs to your partner? Have you spoken up to your boss and felt empowered and proud as a result? Did you receive any help from a professional?
• Continue to do those things that have worked for you in the past, such as being assertive, or being able to say "No" sometimes.
• Make a list of short and long term goals. Write down ways in which you are going to achieve your short term goals in small steps and write deadlines for yourself to provide structure and motivation. Keep long-term goals in mind so that you are striving for something bigger.
• Reward yourself for a job well done! Acknowledge that you have acheived a goal and let yourself feel great about it! Go out for a night on the town, or just tell those that support you and your goals. Do whatever makes you feel good about your accomplishment (healthy and legal things, of course!) and relish in your achievements.

Before long, you will realize that you have actually gained control of your goals and made them happen. Yes, there will always be obstacles in life but that is what makes us stronger. If you see them as opportunities to grow and learn something new, then you are off to a GREAT start!

Good luck!

10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Put It Off

It is very common for people to contemplate getting help long before they actually take the step to make a call to a professional for Counseling. The signs that we are in need of some assistance are not always obvious to us, so it can be easy to overlook this need. If your car runs out of gas, your car isn't going to run anymore so you are forced to get gas--this is a really obvious sign that there is a need that has to be addressed immediately. Likewise, if you break your leg and have a bone protruding out of it, you are likely to get yourself right to the doctor or hospital! When it comes to our mental and emotional health, however, we ignore signs, make excuses, feel embarrassed at times, or are just completely unaware that there is a problem that can be helped. Some of the signs that may be overlooked are feeling physically sick, being very tired, arguing more than you used to with those close to you, feeling lost in life, not wanting to get out of bed, having trouble focusing, having a racing heart rate, or just losing the motivation and drive to get things done. In order to help illustrate why it is to your advantage to get help sooner than later, I present you with 10 reasons why you should pay attention to the little warning signs that your body and mind are giving you that you need to seek some assistance. In no particular order:

1. If you are predisposed for a mental illness (i.e. you have a gene for a mental illness) then high levels of stress can trigger the mental illness(s).

If your parent has suffered from Depression, Anxiety, or Schizophrenia, to name a few, you want to make sure you keep your stress level down as much as possible.

2. You can feel much better about life if you did not have to deal with whatever has been bothering you.

Depression, Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Eating Disorders, for example, often make you feel as if life is very diffucult and the challenges can feel endless.

3. You can be much healthier because your immune system will be stronger due to having balance in life and reducing stress.

For example, being treated for your Depression can help you to avoid getting ulcers in your stomach. Learning how to reduce your stress and cope with life's challenges can help you to reduce your chances of getting the flu that is going around or picking up colds often.

4. You are able to gain balance in your life because the problems that you are experiencing will be decreased, or gone.

You will have more time to enjoy recreational activities because you will be spending less time with compulsive rituals, or less time sitting around worrying because of anxiety, for example. You will be able to spend more quality time with your significant other because you are feeling good. You can give more attention to your kids because you have the energy to do so.

5. You can feel a decrease in physical (somatic) symptoms due to stress or mental illness such as headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, dizziness, and lack of appetite, to name only a few.

Gaining knowledge of why you are not feeling great and gaining control through coping skills can give you a sense of control that renews your body's balance. Learning how to relax or even meditate can bring about feelings of peace in your body.

6. You can avoid damaging your relationships (including friendships, relationships with family members, romantic relationships, work relationships) due to a possible increase in anger, depression, and irritability that may have resulted from whatever is effecting you.

If you decrease your irritability, anger, sadness, and argumentativeness, then you will likely get along well with others.

7. You are able to see the good in your life more clearly and will feel grateful for the increased quality of life.

You will feel happier because you are feeling grateful. If you are grateful for what you have then you are less likely to feel negatively towards life.

8. You can feel supported and listened to by someone who is unbiased and trained to help and understand you with empathy.

Friends and family members may get annoyed after a while from hearing the same thing over and over and may feel helpless in the situation because they do not know how to help you. A professional would know how to help.

9. You can feel motivated and excited to set and achieve goals in life.

You may have been thinking vaguely for a long time about things that you "would" like to do, or wish you "could" do. Once you have taken care of your mental and emotional health, you are able to put forth energy to achieve those goals!

10. You will FINALLY understand why you have been feeling the way you have and will feel accomplished by having clarity and hope.

Gaining insight into WHY you feel the way you do, or why you think the things you think, and then getting help with figuring out HOW to feel better, is priceless....

The Rollercoaster Otherwise Known as "The Holiday Season"

For some, the holidays are filled with happy and excited anticipation of gift giving and receiving, cooking and baking, parties, visiting with family and friends, singing songs, drinking and eating, and traveling to far-off destinations. For others, the thought of one or all of these activities can be anxiety-producing and fear-inducing to the point that their stress level skyrockets. Why would anyone fear the holidays? Well for starters, think about the financial situation that many are in right now. The thought of having to buy multiple gifts when they can barely pay their bills is enough to send some into a panic attack. If a fear of flying is involved, thinking about boarding a plane that is filled to capacity can cause someone to avoid making the trip altogether. Then there are the issues of being faced with tons of food during the Thanksgiving feast or other holiday dinner that can be quite stressful for those who may already be uncomfortable with their weight or just like to be health-conscious. Likewise, drinking alcohol is common for adults during the holidays and may pose problems for those who have trouble controlling their alcohol consumption or are admittedly alcoholics.

The holidays do not need to be a highly stressful time of year with some planning ahead and preparation. Sometimes the preparation involves doing certain things, such as taking away the need to spend a lot of money on gifts, and sometimes the preparation is within yourself- changing your own mindset so that you do not set yourself up for disaster and stress at this time of year. If you are dealing with the stress of feeling that you do not have enough money to shower your family and friends with gifts, try using some creativity this year. Most people love gifts from the heart that are personal and original. Dig deep inside yourself to discover the talents that you can share with others. For example, make a c.d. with their favorite songs; take a beautiful photograph and have it printed out and frame it; bake them something delicious; help them set-up a website or learn how to use a new gadget; or better yet, spend real, QUALITY time together, and that will be the best gift you could give. Turn off the phone, move the computer away, and give them your full attention while doing a fun activity together.

If the issue that you're struggling with is a fear of flying, work ahead of time on learning breathing exercises and meditation that can help to ease your anxiety during that time. If you're stressed about eating too much during the holidays, get yourself in shape ahead of time and practice saying "No thank you" so that you are able to set your own limits. If drinking is what has you worried about attending holiday events, similar to the issue of eating too much food, simply being able to decline offers for alcohol and taking something non-alcoholic can be enough, but if this is a serious problem for you, you may want to consider speaking to a professional about this.

Sometimes, all we need to do to feel better about a situation is to talk to ourselves. No, I don't mean walking around having full conversations with yourself in public, outloud, and scaring the kids. What I mean is putting things into perspective for yourself. If you're stressed about having to spend a lot of time with family, for example, make a list of things that you are grateful for. Outline the reasons why you are lucky this holiday season. Here is a sample list of thoughts you can think to yourself or write down to turn negative feelings into positives:

• I am lucky to be able to spend this time with family.


• I am fortunate to have these family members to visit.


• I am healthy and take care of myself, so I am going to let myself enjoy the food and desserts.


• I am not going to get upset over old family issues because this is a time of appreciation and to be thankful.


• I am going to have patience while traveling and spending time with family, or making my way through crowds.


• I am grateful that I am able to taste all the wonderful flavors and enjoy my food.


• I am grateful that I am surrounded by people who care about me.


• I am going to take the opportunity to express my appreciation and gratitude for others.

These are just a few examples of situations that may be stressful for some people during the holiday season. If you find that you are feeling highly depressed or anxious about any of these scenarios, you may want to consider speaking to a professional so that you are able to enjoy the upcoming holidays and nip those stressors in the bud. If you're in the San Diego area, I would be happy to set up a free consultation with you to see if there is something I can help you with to get you off of that rollercoaster and able to enjoy these times to the fullest!

How are you feeling about the upcoming holidays?

Make the end of the year a great one!

Climb That Mountain of Fear!

My knees shook. My heart raced. I felt a little dizzy. I wondered what I was getting myself into. I tried to figure out how I might get out of the situation. "I can't do this," I thought to myself. What am I talking about here?

• Getting ready to have my harness attached to the rope that was going to send me gliding over a small canyon with nothing but some rocks and the rushing water of a river under me; my first time ziplining.


• Exiting the shuttle that brought me up the mountain in the Swiss Alps to go canyoning, which involved traveling down the mountain through its freezing cold melting snow waters via natural waterslides, repelling, jumping off a cliff into the water, and diving under a boulder to be pulled out of the other side by our guide.


• Boarding the plane by myself to move across the country in order to start a new life in a place where I had no job and no friends.

What did all of these events have in common? In each situation, I was facing a fear. Embarking into the unknown and challenging myself in ways that I didn't even know were possible for me to successfully accomplish. Each and every time that I have faced a challenge and successfully conquered it, I have felt exhilarated, more confident, and proud of myself. It has also broken down the fears, one by one, and given me a reference point to go to when I was faced with another challenge. "Well if I could do THAT, I can do anything!" I have often thought that to myself. Now I'm NOT suggesting that you become an adrenaline junky or get involved in any dangerous activities. The point I would like you to take away from this is that when you challenge yourself and face your fears, you are able to prove to yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to, one step at a time.

If you are avoiding something, feel stuck, or feel anxious, try challenging yourself. All fears can be conquered if you face them head-on. Sometimes they need to be approached a little bit at a time, and may require the support of another person, or possibly a mental health professional, but it can be done. I wouldn't recommend jumping into a snake pit if you have a fear of snakes, but think about ways in which you can overcome the fears that are challenging you and causing you to be stuck in life. The amazing thing about conquering fears and successfully completing challenging tasks is that the confidence you build and the empowered feelings you experience spill over into other areas of your life as well. You can slowly chip away at whatever is holding you back and prove to yourself that you can do anything you set your mind to, which will only lead to more and more opportunities to seek, accomplish, and grow.

So make sure that the harness is tightly and safely attached to your body and the rope (be sure to prepare and think through how you are going about facing the challenge at hand), ensure that you are safe and supported (always make sure that you are being careful and thoughtful about your decisions), and jump (face that fear and take the leap)!! You won't regret it!

Sound exciting to you? Worried that you can't do it? How will you challenge yourself?