Standing Alone

Have you ever been through some sort of situation or dealt with something in your life that made you feel totally alone? You may have felt like it was wrong to get upset about whatever was bothering you, or you may have felt that you were the only one who has ever experienced this?

With 10 years of experience under my belt in the field of Counseling I can say with certainty that most people seem to think that they are the only ones that are going through whatever it is that they're dealing with. They (meaning most people) feel they are the "weird" ones and that there is something wrong with them for feeling the way that they feel. So many people think that they "shouldn't" be upset, that they have no right to cry, that what they're going through is either no big deal, or it is the end of the world. It's great when my clients seem to really feel comforted when I tell them that they are "normal" and that what they're feeling is valid, but do they really need me to tell them that? Why is it that we all need our feelings to be validated by someone else in order to feel okay? It has amazed me how this is consistent across the board---I'm talking about elementary, middle, and high school kids all the way up to middle-aged men and women. It's a shame that so many of us seem to believe that our feelings are not valid or that we are "crazy" for having problems or feeling anxious or depressed, but I think it's important for people to know that it's okay. You're not alone, as much as you may feel that you are. There is someone out there who has already experienced what you are experiencing, and someone has already found a solution (in most cases) to what you are dealing with. So hang in there, believe in yourself and your feelings, and find support, because it is always out there, whether in the form of a family member, friend, support group, organization, therapist, religious leader, etc.  The lesson here: you're just a human being like the rest of us, so stop being so hard on yourself. Accept that you have feelings, will go through challenges, and may need support like the rest of us. Don't allow yourself to feel as alone as a giant pink flamingo among a bunch of little ducks. Take care of yourself by getting the support and help that you need to get through the challenges that you face, whether they seem humongous or teeny tiny and insignificant.

Is It Me or Is It Them? Internal vs. External Locus of Control

As John F. Kennedy proclaimed many years ago, "...Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country..." Are you a DOER or a VICTIM?

It is easy to fall into the pattern of thinking where you feel like everything bad happens to you, or that you have no control over your life. Ever said to yourself, "Why me?" Sure--we all have! If you are always stuck in this way of thinking, it can lead to feelings of helplessness, anxiety, even depression. Some people look to outside sources, such as a higher power, to lead their lives and make decisions for them. Not to say that believing in a higher power and surrendering some of the control of your fate is bad, but often people get stuck in a "victim mentality" and tend to put the blame on other people, events, circumstances, etc. For some more information about victim mentality, please check out http://www.more-selfesteem.com/victim_mentality.htm

You could say that they have an External locus of control, as the control in their life is perceived as being outside of themselves. On the other hand, some people feel that they determine their own destiny, make their own decisions, and feel in control of their fate. If they take responsibility for what happens to them and take action proactively to reach goals and achieve their dreams, that would be considered an Internal locus of control. For further information about the definitions of both types of loci of control, check out http://wilderdom.com/psychology/loc/LocusofControlWhatIs.html .

It would be extremely rare to find a person who does not exhibit both ways of thinking at some point or another, but if your thinking is mainly that of an external locus of control, you could come across some problems. I would definitely be lying if I told you that I have never had an external locus of control, and have always taken responsibility for what has happened to me. To come to the realization that I have done this, and sometimes still catch myself doing it, is very empowering and helpful. Wait a second, so I DON'T have to sit on the coach with a box of chocolates feeling sorry for myself all the time? I can actually get up and make things happen? I can fix what is not right in order to make myself happy? Oooooooooh!!!! (Sorry for the sarcasm, but sometimes these sort of lightbulbs going off in our mind are what it takes to put us into action and feeling in control).

So now what? Maybe you have finally put two and two together and realized that you can relate to what I'm saying and you actually have been feeling sorry for yourself. You are probably meeting a need for yourself, such as receiving attention that may come from complaining and being down about life, but in the end it is not getting you what you want, which is probably happiness. We all want to be happy but sometimes we just have no idea how to get there. It seems like walls are constantly going up around us and every possible lead comes up to a dead end. Well try some of these tips to get yourself out of the rut that makes you feel that you have no control over your life or reaching your goals:

• Take care of your basic needs first: eat healthy, get exercise, sleep a sufficient amount, stay connected with friends and family, do things that you enjoy.
• Figure out what has helped you in the past and what has worked for you. Have you achieved a goal or felt good about communicating your needs to your partner? Have you spoken up to your boss and felt empowered and proud as a result? Did you receive any help from a professional?
• Continue to do those things that have worked for you in the past, such as being assertive, or being able to say "No" sometimes.
• Make a list of short and long term goals. Write down ways in which you are going to achieve your short term goals in small steps and write deadlines for yourself to provide structure and motivation. Keep long-term goals in mind so that you are striving for something bigger.
• Reward yourself for a job well done! Acknowledge that you have acheived a goal and let yourself feel great about it! Go out for a night on the town, or just tell those that support you and your goals. Do whatever makes you feel good about your accomplishment (healthy and legal things, of course!) and relish in your achievements.

Before long, you will realize that you have actually gained control of your goals and made them happen. Yes, there will always be obstacles in life but that is what makes us stronger. If you see them as opportunities to grow and learn something new, then you are off to a GREAT start!

Good luck!

10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Put It Off

It is very common for people to contemplate getting help long before they actually take the step to make a call to a professional for Counseling. The signs that we are in need of some assistance are not always obvious to us, so it can be easy to overlook this need. If your car runs out of gas, your car isn't going to run anymore so you are forced to get gas--this is a really obvious sign that there is a need that has to be addressed immediately. Likewise, if you break your leg and have a bone protruding out of it, you are likely to get yourself right to the doctor or hospital! When it comes to our mental and emotional health, however, we ignore signs, make excuses, feel embarrassed at times, or are just completely unaware that there is a problem that can be helped. Some of the signs that may be overlooked are feeling physically sick, being very tired, arguing more than you used to with those close to you, feeling lost in life, not wanting to get out of bed, having trouble focusing, having a racing heart rate, or just losing the motivation and drive to get things done. In order to help illustrate why it is to your advantage to get help sooner than later, I present you with 10 reasons why you should pay attention to the little warning signs that your body and mind are giving you that you need to seek some assistance. In no particular order:

1. If you are predisposed for a mental illness (i.e. you have a gene for a mental illness) then high levels of stress can trigger the mental illness(s).

If your parent has suffered from Depression, Anxiety, or Schizophrenia, to name a few, you want to make sure you keep your stress level down as much as possible.

2. You can feel much better about life if you did not have to deal with whatever has been bothering you.

Depression, Anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and Eating Disorders, for example, often make you feel as if life is very diffucult and the challenges can feel endless.

3. You can be much healthier because your immune system will be stronger due to having balance in life and reducing stress.

For example, being treated for your Depression can help you to avoid getting ulcers in your stomach. Learning how to reduce your stress and cope with life's challenges can help you to reduce your chances of getting the flu that is going around or picking up colds often.

4. You are able to gain balance in your life because the problems that you are experiencing will be decreased, or gone.

You will have more time to enjoy recreational activities because you will be spending less time with compulsive rituals, or less time sitting around worrying because of anxiety, for example. You will be able to spend more quality time with your significant other because you are feeling good. You can give more attention to your kids because you have the energy to do so.

5. You can feel a decrease in physical (somatic) symptoms due to stress or mental illness such as headaches, stomach aches, muscle tension, dizziness, and lack of appetite, to name only a few.

Gaining knowledge of why you are not feeling great and gaining control through coping skills can give you a sense of control that renews your body's balance. Learning how to relax or even meditate can bring about feelings of peace in your body.

6. You can avoid damaging your relationships (including friendships, relationships with family members, romantic relationships, work relationships) due to a possible increase in anger, depression, and irritability that may have resulted from whatever is effecting you.

If you decrease your irritability, anger, sadness, and argumentativeness, then you will likely get along well with others.

7. You are able to see the good in your life more clearly and will feel grateful for the increased quality of life.

You will feel happier because you are feeling grateful. If you are grateful for what you have then you are less likely to feel negatively towards life.

8. You can feel supported and listened to by someone who is unbiased and trained to help and understand you with empathy.

Friends and family members may get annoyed after a while from hearing the same thing over and over and may feel helpless in the situation because they do not know how to help you. A professional would know how to help.

9. You can feel motivated and excited to set and achieve goals in life.

You may have been thinking vaguely for a long time about things that you "would" like to do, or wish you "could" do. Once you have taken care of your mental and emotional health, you are able to put forth energy to achieve those goals!

10. You will FINALLY understand why you have been feeling the way you have and will feel accomplished by having clarity and hope.

Gaining insight into WHY you feel the way you do, or why you think the things you think, and then getting help with figuring out HOW to feel better, is priceless....

Discovering and Releasing Stress

STRESS is a word that is thrown around often and has so many different meanings to different people. Some will describe themselves as being "stressed-out" or "under a lot of stress." Others will say that they have "stressful lives" or that they are "a stress case." They may be "going through a stressful situation" or are feeling "overwhelmed by stress." Any way you state it, it all boils down to the same thing, something is off balance in your body or mind. If you can identify the stress (they always say that the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?) then you can actively take steps to reduce the stress to live a happier and more fulfilling life.


STRESS can be identified by really paying attention to what is going on in your body, mind, mood, and behaviors. For some, stress may be felt in the physical body in the form of tight muscles, or even clenching. You may suddenly find yourself clenching your fists, or tightening your jaw. You may have tension headaches or tight muscles in your back or neck. For others, they may notice frequent stomach aches, feeling overly tired (even when getting a sufficient number of hours of sleep), or they may be more irritable and impatient than usual. Some people experience signs of depression when they are stressed, such as feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness, increased or decreased appetite, lack of interest in normal activities, feeling overwhelmed, or increased crying spells. Likewise, some experience stress in their bodies through anxiety symptoms, such as feeling on-edge, an increase in worries, possible panic attacks, or feeling shaky and nervous. When people are feeling "stressed out" they may have an increased urgency to get things done and may have a lot of trouble relaxing, and consequently trouble sleeping. At the extreme level on a continuum of stress, a person's health can also be at risk, including an increase in stress hormones which can alter brain chemistry leading to depression, increased negative thoughts, and an increase in the likelihood that overall health will be negatively effected. Stress has been proven to be connected to development and continuation of cancer, heart disease, and a decrease in the power of the immune system to fight off illnesses. If these reasons are not enough for you to want to change your ways and decrease your stress level, I don't know what is!!


So now that I have basically forced you to focus on all of the negative aspects of stress (sorry about that!) I hope you have a better understanding of how stress is recognized. I bet you would be surprised at how stressed your body feels if you try laying down in a quiet place and scanning your body from head to toe to locate the tension in your body. I challenge you to give it a try! Are you clenching your fists? Is your jaw closed tight? Do you feel a knot in your stomach? As you scan through your body, tell yourself to let go of each individual section. If your jaw is tight, let your bottom jaw slightly drop open. Open your hands and face your fingers upwards, letting your arms fall next to your body. Let go of the tension as you find it, hiding in any area of your body. When your body is relaxed, it is impossible for stress to exist at the same time, so you may want to try this exercise frequently to make sure that you are not holding tension and stress in your body.

Letting go of the tension in your body is very important in order to feel relaxed and at peace. It is also important, however, to understand how your thoughts effect your body's reaction to and ability to cope with stress. Many things can influence how we react to any given situation, including past experiences that relate to a current situation, your mood at the time, and your perspective about the situation. For example, if you were ever involved in a car accident while it was raining, your brain may interpret rainy days as dangerous and you may feel anxious while driving in the rain. Before you had the accident, a rainy day may have been like any other day, but the negative experience of being an accident has resulted in added stress to this event. An argument with your son or daughter could feel like the end of the world if you have already been facing many stressful encounters that day. If you are trying to get over an illness and are already feeling irritable and on-edge, then getting stopped at every red light on your way to work in the morning can compound the stress of the day. Recognizing how your thoughts effect your emotions is very helpful in reducing stress and coping with potentially stressful situations.



Just as you pay attention to physical signs in your body to identify where your stress is being held, you can pay attention to your thoughts to understand how you are contributing to how much you are effected by any given situation. Are you thinking the worst of everything without any actual evidence that you should be thinking this way? Are you assuming that your day is going to be horrible because of one unfortunate cirumstance, such as dropping a glass of water on the floor before you leave for work in the morning? Do you always expect yourself to do poorly in everything you try? Do you assume that other people don't like you? These are just a few examples of negative thoughts and misconceptions that can lead to the negative thinking that results in stress. If you have already made up your mind that today is going to be horrible, and then you have to stop at every red light on the way to work, and you fear that you are going to be late for work and possibly get fired, you are thinking the worst possible scenario which will increase your stress level. The next time you catch yourself thinking negatively, stop yourself and challenge these thoughts. Monitor your own thinking and question whether or not these thoughts are true, and whether or not it is going to help you in this situation to expect the worst. How about this? You drop a glass of water, think to yourself that you need to clean it up so you don't cut your feet, and then just do it. Get in the car, relax by taking a few deep breathes, and drive to work. If you hit every red light on the way, you can take some deep breathes and remind yourself that you can only go as fast as the traffic conditions and lights will allow, so worrying is not going to change anything. Most likely, if you think positive, you will get to work on time, will feel relaxed and ready to start the day, and will have a good day because that is what you are expecting to happen!



Now that you hopefully have a better understanding of how you experience stress, how you can detect it, and how you can alleviate it, practice on your own. Let me know how it goes!