Get What You Want Out of Life, Ladies!

What is it about the way that girls are raised that makes it so difficult for them to be assertive, even as grown women? Time after time the same struggles come up for my clients, whether it be regarding a romantic relationship, friendships, work issues, family, or anything else that they seem to come across in life. Girls are often taught to make others happy, "be nice", and avoid starting trouble. In addition, any feelings of insecurity, fears of being rejected or abandoned, and self-doubt intensify feelings of wanting to avoid conflict and keep the peace, so to speak. Although keeping things peaceful and avoiding arguments can be a good idea, when it is taken to the extreme, it can result in women being left without their needs met and feelings of resentment and powerlessness.

In talking about assertiveness, I think it's important to clarify what I mean. We're not talking about yelling at others or speaking up regardless of who may get hurt or be effected-that would be considered aggressiveness. When you're assertive, you're expressing your needs in such a way that you are clearly communicating what you want, need, or even don't want, by utilizing honest, straight-forward, and informative words. Using what is called "I" messages can help to communicate your needs in this way. For example, "I feel hurt when you start playing with your phone while I'm trying to tell you something important. I would appreciate if you can look at me when I'm speaking to you and let me know that you hear me." When you express yourself in this way, you are avoiding putting the other person on the defensive, and you're empowering yourself by expressing your feelings and what you would like to see change. People often utilize passive-aggressive communication when they get frustrated, such as saying something like "All you care about is that phone." Saying something like this is not productive and most likely will not motivate the other person to want to change. In summary, if you want someone to listen and understand you, get rid of that elephant in the room by being direct.

• Avoid putting others on the defensive and don't attack verbally with yelling, cursing, insults, or passive aggressive comments. Don't dig up the past and talk about something they did 10 years ago.
• Express your feelings about the situation at hand 
• Explain what you would like to see change
• Be respectful and speak with confidence. 

If you find it difficult to assert yourself when it's needed, you might want to consider speaking to someone, such as a professional or emotionally intelligent trustworthy friend or family member, in order to better understand why it is difficult for you to ask for what you want and need. Low self-esteem or experiences of lacking validation in your past may contribute to feeling that you don't deserve great things in life. Everyone deserves to be happy and have their needs met, sometimes it's just a matter of asking...

So THAT's Why He Acts Like That!

Have you ever had the experience where you were interested in a guy and it seemed liked he liked you but then the closer you tried to get, the further he seemed to move away? Or what about dating a woman who seemed to have trouble having distance between the two of you and would get upset when you seemed to need more time and space for yourself?  Maybe you're married to someone who is sometimes really sweet and attentive and then at other times becomes very critical and insulting.  Well after reading the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find-And Keep-Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, it all has become much more clear to me. According to the authors, we all (primarily) fall into one of three Styles of Attachment as adults- either anxious, avoidant, or secure attachment styles.  Although our relationships as adults are a product of many different things, including our personality, life experiences, and childhood upbringing, research has lead the authors to come to the conclusion that we all fit into a category which can help to explain how we will (or do) act in relationships. It can also help us to understand the types of people that we may be interested in and what the interactions will look like between us and our partners.

After reading the book I was able to better understand myself and many people from my own life, as well as better understand other couples that I have come in contact with.  The authors explain that we all have a need to have close and loving relationships and it is actually quite normal to have the desire to become dependent on another person. Society has taught us that it is not acceptable to need others in such a way that someone with an anxious attachment style might express, but it is healthy and biologically functional. They go on to say that avoidants are often not as happy as those from anxious and secure styles because they have a wall up which prevents them from being able to really get close to others. When two secure people get together, their relationship will be calm, comfortable, and full of open and effective communication. This does not mean that they will never fight and will have a perfect relationship, by any means. What it does mean is that both of the parties in a secure relationship will be able to use healthy communication to express their needs and wants and they will not feel personally attacked, threatened, rejected, or suffocated by the expression of needs or even disappointments. Instead, they will use the information to try to make adjustments in themselves or their relationship, as they are able to see that their partner's needs are as important as their own.

If you would like to see what adult attachment style you possess, I would suggest taking a look at the book as they have a questionaire and some great, detailed lists of qualities to reference.

For a brief understanding of the styles, consider these descriptions:

Anxious Attachment Style:

• You become almost obessessed with thoughts of your partner (or potential partner)
• You often feel insecure about where the relationship is going
• You take things personal that they say or do and tend to over-analyze small details
• You are afraid to leave your partner even if you are unhappy out of fear of not being able to find someone else

Avoidant Attachment Style:

• You put high value on having independence and freedom, rather than feeling "tied down"
• You feel yourself moving away from your partner when they give you too much attention or want to spend a lot of time with you
• You tend to put an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend on a pedestal and feel that no one can compare or live up to their standards
• You feel uncomfortable talking about what is going on in the relationship
• You may feel the need to get away during an argument

There are also rare cases of Anxious-Avoidant Attachments in which the person may feel uncomfortable getting close but also has a fear of being left or rejected.

Are you doomed if you are not secure? No, not at all! It is just a matter of understanding yourself, your partner (or potential partner) and figuring out what works for both of you. If you are anxious and with someone who is avoidant, then it is important to be able to communicate with each other what you need and come to some common ground, for example, the avoidant person may need to express their desire to have some alone time on a regular basis, but will want to let their anxious partner know that it is nothing personal. It's imperative to be able to think about how your actions and the way you communicate your needs affect your partner in order to both be happy in the relationship and meet each other's needs. The authors of the book do explain that if an anxious or avoidant person gets into a relationship with someone who has a secure attachment style, the secure person often helps to sort of water down the sometimes extreme thoughts/feelings/behaviors of their partner. As a result, it is favorable to have one person in the relationship be secure, but it isn't absolutely necessary for success and happiness in the relationship.

The bottom line, after reading and understanding the main points of this book, is that it's invaluable to understand why you act and feel a certain way in the context of a relationship and to use this information to chose a potential partner or learn how to function better within an existing relationship.  I think these attachment styles can be generalized to understand people within the context of many different types of relationships, including family, friendships, and even work relationships. Once you become better aware of who you are, you have the ability to decide if you comfortable with what you bring to relationships, or if you would like to work on changing things about your needs and communication style. We are all a work in progress, but knowledge is power, for sure!

Has this article shed any light on your attachment style? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

 

 

 







Are You Going to Eat the Fly or Speak Up?

Scenario: You go out to eat with friends and find a fly in your soup.

Passive response:  You don't say anything and eat a flyful soup. Yuck!
Aggressive response: You throw the bowl of soup at the server when she walks by and yell at her.
Assertive response:  You flag down the server and say something like, " Excuse me. It looks like there is a fly in my soup. I would really appreciate it if you could please get me a new bowl of soup. Thank you!"
Sounds easy enough, right? Well many people will not take it upon themselves to meet their own needs by being assertive about it. Sound familiar?

Learning to use assertive communication can help you to not only feel empowered, confident, and important, but it can also help you to get what you want, improve relationships, and reduce frustration. When you are having trouble expressing yourself, you may resort to being passive and letting others do and say whatever they want, or you may utilize aggressive tactics to bully others into getting what you want, or becoming angry and blowing up at others out of frustration.

There are many reasons why you may not feel comfortable being assertive, including:

• You may have been brought up in a home where it was not okay to express yourself, including thoughts and feelings.
• You may lack the confidence to express your own point of view and you may think that no one cares about your opinion.
• You may be afraid of taking risks or possibly being wrong.
• You may be in an unhealthy relationship where you are threatened for sticking up for yourself or expressing your own opinions.

While being passive may be the path of least resistance, it rarely gets people the result they are looking for. How can anyone really know what they want or need if they are keeping this information to themselves?  Although it might be easier if our family and friends were mind readers, they are most likely not. Therefore, it is really important to be able to express yourself in a way that lets the people around you know what you are thinking and need.  By screaming your thoughts and feelings to others, you are most likely going to cause them to either get angry as well, ignore you, or simply leave. Obviously being aggressive in the way you communicate is not the most effective, although people often express themselves aggressively because they may feel helpless in being able to get their needs met in any other way.  If you learn how to express yourself assertively, it can become a win-win situation!

Being assertive is a skill that can become easier and easier as you practice it, and the good news is that the more you do it, the better you will feel about yourself. This, in  turn, will help to reduce your need to feel that you must be passive because you will feel better about yourself and your rights to speak up.
Being assertive looks like this:

• Use "I" statements to express your needs. In the fly in the soup scenario, you may just need to ask for what you need since feelings aren't involved in the situation. If you are dealing with a situation involving your feelings, you may want to say something like this: "When you said those things about me in front of my family, I felt really embarrassed. I would really like you to wait until we are in private to talk about personal things like that." Don't forget to let them know how you feel and what you need to change.
• Remind yourself that your opinion is as valid and important as everyone else's. You deserve a voice just as they do.
• You may have learned certain things when you were growing up, such as that you should not speak about your feelings, or been seen but not heard, but now that you are grown up you have the right to communicate in any way that works for you.
• You will not get what you want unless you make the effort to calmly express your wants and needs.
• Others will respect you more when they see that you believe your opinion matters and that you're not afraid to express it.

If you would like to work on your assertiveness skills, try it out first in a non-threatening environment such as a restaurant or store, and then move on to more personal and serious issues. Learn how to ask for that raise at work or say "No" to extra projects when you do not have the time to take them on. Cheers to the assertive new you!
Please feel free to share your experiences with us regarding assertiveness in the comments section of this blog post.

Turtles Know Best

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you drove for 20 minutes and couldn't remember any of the drive once you arrived? Or you scarfed down a meal in a hurry and then it occurred to you that you didn't taste anything you just ate? Well it happens to us all from time to time. It's difficult in today's fast-paced, fully-booked, and technology-driven world to slow down and really notice what is around us. When you're in a state of automatic pilot, you may be on a mission to get somewhere or to do something important, but in the meantime, you are missing the present. As the popular saying goes, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present." This could not be more true, but we often forget to embrace the present moment in the hustle and bustle of every day life. Learning how to be more mindful can really increase your quality of life, as well as the quality of your relationships, your happiness, and even your health!

What does it mean to be "mindful?" Well, this term is often used along with meditation, meaning that you pay close attention to such things as your breathing and focus in order to slow yourself down and clear your mind. When you are taking a walk, you can be more mindful and observant of your surroundings by "getting out of your head" so to speak, and noticing the little things around you. Look at the beautiful flowers growing in your neighbor's garden, notice the scent of the ocean, feel your muscles work hard as you climb a steep hill. Noticing the little things around you (or in your body) will help you to feel grounded, reduce stress and anxiety, and most of all, help you to appreciate each moment as it comes. Likewise, listening attentively to what a friend, family member, or partner is saying to you can help to improve your relationship, as they will know that you care enough to put your focus on them. This will make them feel important and special, and can only improve the quality of the relationship. Giving another person this type of attention and quality time is the best gift you can give them, and it will feel great when it is reciprocated as well!

Now you may be wondering why a picture of a turtle was included with this article. Not only do I think that they have the right idea by taking their time getting from place to place (not to say that people should be late, but slowing down the pace can help with observing your surroundings) but I also wanted to share the beautiful details in the turtle's shell. I'm assuming that the average person has not spent very much time looking at turtles' shells, and this seems to be a great example of a time when it would be great to be mindful of what is around us. If we rushed past it, we wouldn't have been able to observe or appreciate the natural beauty that has been there all along.

I encourage you to try it for yourself- sit quietly and observe the colors as you watch the sunset, while taking some slow, deep breathes. Smell the scent of the roses the next time you pass by a rose garden, and really breath it in. Listen closely to what your child is telling you and give them your full attention by facing them and maintaining consistent eye contact. I bet you will notice a feeling of satisfaction and calm come over you from making these small changes in how you use your time.